Testimony Tuesday - Progress over Perfection

   I’m currently a first-year student studying to become a project manager. Throughout high school, I had many hobbies such as crafting, high performance athletics, reading, baking, and more. I also volunteered with my church by teaching Sunday School and planning/leading the annual church retreat. Overall, I really enjoy being active and living a healthy lifestyle. I was raised a Christian for my whole life, attended a Christian school from grade 4-12, and have been consistently attending church since I was born. Being constantly surrounded by believers has been both beneficial and damaging to my faith because of the echo chamber created by my friends, family, and communities. I struggled to create my own faith, instead choosing to piggy-back on what other people said because it seemed like  the “easier version” of Christianity. This created some struggles in finding who I am in Christ because I never built my faith on my own beliefs. As I’ve grown and matured, I have been able to differentiate my views from others and deepen my relationship with God. It’s been a journey full of ups and downs but I’m so grateful for my involvement in so many faith communities as they have helped me discover my true identity in Christ.

   As an ex-competitive athlete who trained 25+ hours per week throughout high school, I wasn't allowed to have mental health issues. Maybe it was partly personal and partly situational, but I didn't have time to struggle with my mental health. Being constantly on the go with work and school definitely deteriorated my wellbeing but I was unable to do anything about it because when I wasn't doing school stuff, I was at my extracurricular and vice versa. I've had to do lots of reflecting and self-discovery to find out how to actually rest without feeling guilty about it. When I think of one specific thing that damaged my mental health, I think of my need to be positively perceived by others. I have spent way too much time scrutinizing every move that I made because I thought other people would think less of me for my mistakes and flaws. This made me shrink into a smaller version of myself, hiding from the supposedly judgmental views of other people. 

   I’m not proud to admit this but I tried to figure everything out myself and do everything without help. I kind of developed the mindset of “Well if God can't help me, no human can either”. I became hyper independent because I was so used to simply pushing through pain that it became normal for me to be self reliant. I was still doing the normal “Christian things” such as going to church and getting “extending” in my Bible classes at school (not to flex or anything), but my heart definitely was not in it. I knew God was there, but it felt like he was far away. I'm pretty stubborn and hate asking for help so the act of looking for a verse or story made me feel weak and a bit pathetic. My brother is the person who inspired me to search for my faith again because he led by example. I think that in many cases, being an example is the best anyone can do because shoving holiness down a struggling person’s throat will only make them less receptive to it.

    As I’ve grown in my faith, I’ve been learning to rely more on God and his plan for my life and the people He’s placed in my life. I never realized how lucky I am to have these faith communities that I’ve built over my whole life and going to them for advice or prayer has been so reassuring and confidence building for my mental health and wellbeing. Mental health is a tricky thing to deal with because of how different everyone's struggles are, and because of how everyone wants to make it seem like they aren't struggling. I'm not sure how to describe my “journey” because I’m still living it, focusing on healing little by little instead of making a drastic change. One thing I've found to be the most beneficial is the idea of progress over perfection. I learned that healing isn't linear, but a series of ups and downs that get you to where you want to be. As long as you're moving in the right direction, the amount of healing you do isn't a measure of how successful you are, but a testament to the courage you have for taking that step in the first place. 

   Honestly, I wish that the church had more transparency when it comes to struggling. Something that was hard for me was that whenever I'd hear about people sharing their struggles, they'd end off with ways God has prevailed in their life. I think that when someone is currently struggling, the last thing they want to hear is how someone else also struggled, but now they’re just that much better off. Don’t get me wrong, those stories are very impactful and I am so grateful for their vulnerability to get up in front of others . However, when I was struggling, it was discouraging to hear the ways God has worked in their life when I couldn’t see how he was helping me through my struggles. 

   One of the most impactful things God has done in my life for my mental health is give me peace with failure. I think that as an athlete, failure is seen as this monster that everyone has to run from or defeat. I definitely was a victim of that mindset because every mistake I made was like a personal attack on myself. As my relationship with God deepened, I learned that failure is just something that happens in life and sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it is inevitable. Remembering that God won’t love me any less if I don’t win a competition or fall has really helped me put my best foot forward in life, being unafraid of doing my best even though the outcome might not be what I want.