Testimony Tuesday - Jesus I Trust in You

    I’m a student in my first year of university, hoping to become a highschool english teacher, or to work with youth in some way. I was raised Catholic my entire life, and attended Catholic elementary and highschool education. As a kid, I went to children’s ministry during mass, and later on I loved to altar serve. While I loved my faith, and knew I was valued as a daughter of Christ, up until I was a teenager, my decision to be Catholic was influenced by the environment I grew up in. When I entered grade seven, I began to have greater access to social media, and was exposed to ideas and opinions that countered what I was taught, and saw content where not every Christian was acting with love as they were intended to. This led me to struggle a lot with my faith, until I encountered other young teens who shared my concerns. Being surrounded by other young people who share my faith has helped me feel comfortable to explore it, and help other teens explore their own faith through youth ministry. 

    In highschool, I was a high performance athlete who was captain of my extracurricular soccer team and senior basketball team. I was involved with my school’s campus ministry club, and both attended and helped out with youth ministry at my local parish and within the Archdiocese. My favourite subject has always been English, as writing stories and poetry has always been a huge outlet for my emotions. My strong faith always inspired me to treat every person I encountered with kindness, but that doesn’t mean that my faith or my mental health were perfect. My faith and mental health go through ups and downs, and while right now I’m doing well, I’ve had times where my anxiety has been so overwhelming. I’ve always been an anxious person, who has spent entire days “what-iffing” about the potential for things to go wrong.

    In the summer leading up to grade 12, I began to struggle with what I would classify as intrusive thoughts about my health and my relationship with a boy I had been good friends with for a long time. When I began to date this friend, there was this constant, nagging voice in my head suggesting “maybe you’re lying to him” or “what if you’re going to hurt him.” At first I tried to ignore it, but the voice only intensified, so I bit the bait anxiety dangled in front of me, and obsessively read into the meaning of every thought that came into my mind. I was terrified that thinking these things meant they were true, even when I didn’t want them to be.

    When I couldn’t take it any more, I broke up with him in the hopes that it would relieve my anxiety, but my intrusive thoughts only continued, and worsened. September rolled around and I felt horrible, because my anxiety was attacking everything that was important to me. Grade 12 was so busy with graduation preparation and college application, so I was gradually becoming more stressed. On top of this, I felt caught in the middle of conflict in my friend group, and so every single day I came to school, my anxiety only intensified.

    My anxious thoughts felt unending: “Something must be wrong with your health because your stomach is hurting” “what if your friends secretly hate you?” “what if you’re selfish for having a bad day when your friends are too?” “what if you made the wrong choice to break up with him?” I was so overwhelmed by everything grade 12 was bringing, and also by the realization that I hadn’t really wanted to break up with my boyfriend. Through it all, I tried to pray to God, but I didn’t really think He was listening, and so in turn, I didn’t listen to His reply either, until He was able to reach me through the people around me. Many of my friends were incredibly concerned, as I clearly was not doing alright. 

    Halfway through October, my anxiety reached an all time high. My best friend looked at me, and asked “Are you okay?” and I immediately began to cry. She took me to a private place for us to have a conversation, and I tearfully told her, “I keep praying for God to take away my worries, but he just DOESN’T.” She sat with me as I continued to cry, then prayed over me, and told me that she was trying to learn that God is there for us in the suffering. From then on, I asked for Jesus to be with me whenever I was anxious. I finally opened up to my parents about what I’d been going through, and went to talk to my school counselor about my struggles and confusion, especially about my relationship anxiety. Since I went to a Catholic highschool, this counselor was also Catholic, and so we would always open and close our sessions in prayer to bring me peace. One session, I expressed that although I knew I had feelings for my friend, I was STILL experiencing the same intrusive thoughts about me not liking him. She replied, “Have you tried asking JESUS how you feel about him? You should try praying a Novena to St Therese of Lisieux then ask God for a sign about how you feel.” We closed the session with the Litany of Trust, and I left.

    A night later while I prayed, I asked: “Okay God, if I like this boy, please show me a red rose, or if it's time to let go, show me a white rose.” Then, I prayed the Litany of Trust again, and went to bed. The next day, my lips were unusually chapped, so I went looking for lip balm, which I don’t frequently use. As I fished for the balm from the bottom of a cosmetic bag, I flipped the container to its front to open it, pausing in disbelief when my eyes met the red rose label on it. All I could think was “Thank you God,” because I hadn’t even prayed a novena, and yet He’d still answered my prayer. From then on, I felt more confident in my feelings; because God TOLD ME to trust in Him, and to trust in them. Every single night, I continued to pray the Litany of Trust, and that week, whenever the familiar series of intrusive thoughts came, or even when I felt anxiety about friends, family, and health, I would turn and find a red rose right where I didn’t expect it. God gave me peace and trust in those difficult days when I most needed it. 

    To this day, roses still feel so meaningful to me, wherever I go, even a year later. They are a reminder of a time where I was lost but learned to trust what God had in store. Now, when I see roses, I’m reminded of the lengths that the Lord was willing to go for me in order to bring me peace, and teach me to trust in Him.

Jesus, I Trust in You.