Testimony Tuesday - A Lost Sheep Brought Back to God

 Trigger Warnings: anxiety, depression, self-hatred, self-harm, overdose

    I am a third year student at UBC, studying philosophy. Today, I am an active part of the Catholic community on campus known as Catholic Christian Outreach (CCO), as well as discerning mission life, bettering my personal prayer, and leading other students by personal accompaniment. In my spare time, I like to read, write, and play music. I also like travelling, camping and hiking, coffee, and thrifting. 

    I'm what is known as a "cradle Catholic", but I would not have considered myself "practicing" until summer after my first year of university. Before that, I believed in God, but did not believe He was good. I was involved in volunteering, youth and campus ministry, and social justice for most of my life; I was known among friends as the more religious one and would be asked to lead often. 

    I also struggled with anxiety, depression, self-hatred, and crippling guilt in my senior years of high school. 

    It's difficult to find where it started, but in those dark times in my life, I did not want to turn to God. I refused to ask for help and gained terrible habits to cope with the intense emotions I was feeling. I felt as if I was pulling my friends and relationships down with me, and the best way to keep them safe was to push them away. I didn't think I needed to keep God safe, but I pushed Him away too. I drowned, over and over, and ended up in a hospital after experiencing a minor overdose. 

    I did not believe I deserved forgiveness after that; my family, friends, everyone in my life was hurt by my actions, and there was nothing I could do to right that wrong. There was no one that could possibly still love me after all that. 

    After some physical recovery, I started therapy, medication, and many doctors appointments. My life was upside down for a long time, and I was trying to flip it over. But I still hated myself. I still didn't believe I deserved forgiveness, not even from myself. 

    And then, during World Youth Day in Portugal, I had the chance to go to confession for the first time in years. WYD is a gathering of tens of thousands of Catholics from all over the world, occurring once every three years. I was especially struck by the sheer number of Mexicans, like me, who were so incredibly happy and joyous. I saw His joy everywhere, His joy at seeing me coming to see Him. I remembered that Christ died for me, personally. He had never stopped loving me. He had forgiven me long ago, before I even thought myself to be unforgivable. He was just waiting for me to ask and to come home, arms open wide, lost sheep. 

    I thought being a good Catholic meant being perfect, being free from mental health issues, being a good daughter who didn't turn to pain when things got hard. 

    But Christ came for the sinners. No one is perfect. Absolutely no one. We all struggle, we all fall, we all feel helpless and that is our nature because we cannot do it alone. We were not meant to do it alone; we are made for relationship, both with God and with other people. Turning to myself for answers only brought more heartache and guilt; Christ wipes away that guilt, while worldly things like therapy help us to understand ourselves as complex, beautiful, intelligent people.

    After WYD, I began to get involved in CCO. I encountered people smiling with Jesus' smile and who were so joyful and passionate about Him. I immediately wanted that, the happiness and laughter and intimacy with the Holy Spirit that I saw in these people. The story of the lost sheep had kept me going for sometime, and this was me arriving at my flock. 

    I went on to become a CCO UBC leader, and now I work to plan events, create encounters, and bring as many people as I can to Christ. I am a very quiet person generally, but I can still see the fruits of simply loving and caring for others, in a personal way. I am planning to go on a mission trip this summer, and I am excited to see the ways Christ will work through me. Sometimes, it just takes a personal invitation to bring a lost sheep back to God, who loves unconditionally.