Testimony Tuesday - Do Not Worry About Tomorrow

Trigger warnings: Deeper, more sensitive topics for mature audiences. Mentions of anxiety and depression. Mentions of suicide.

    I like hanging out with people, laughing with others, spending time alone in nature, listening to praise and worship music, and learning new hobbies such as knitting or crocheting. I have participated in many opportunities of youth ministry and campus ministry in high school and I continue to in university, but it wasn’t until later in high school that I really felt God’s love. I continually have to strengthen my commitment to God and say “Yes” to Him, as it isn’t always easy, and I’m human, but I know that every time I fall, God will always be there and He loves me.

    My mental health has been up and down many different times and for many different reasons. I had a much different childhood compared to most people that I won't go into details about. I've struggled a lot with accepting what happened while also not allowing it to control me. It became worse in high school because, well, teenagehood is like that, but also I was afraid of my peers and what they would think of me. When I started having a stronger relationship with God in grade 11 my mental health became much better. 

    In grades 8 and 9 of high school, I did not have a very good relationship with God and struggled with my own identity and belief in God. I felt abandoned by God and by any religious figure, but being a cradle Catholic it felt wrong to doubt. Questions and thoughts such as “How can I be teaching others if I don’t even have a strong faith” “I’m worse than all these people”, and “Do I even believe in this God?” would pop up constantly. But, instead of seeking help, I would shove them all down because I was too embarrassed to admit that I was struggling with my faith to my parents or my friends who knew me as "such a good religious person". 

    I worried and over-thought a lot (still do with my OCD and anxiety). The OCD part is a whole other story. I really really really wish I had gotten support with that as I wouldn’t have always thought I was crazy. I would have been able to understand why I struggled in some parts of my relationship with God and felt so guilty all the time as a Catholic from a clinical perspective of feeling spiritually guilty due to something called scrupulosity OCD. Unfortunately, my parents didn't teach me how to have a personal relationship with God either and only the basics of who God is, so I learned how to do that through the university club Catholic Christian Outreach (CCO), their summit events, and some good individuals. 

    It got to the point where I would participate in my church community, in my faith leadership roles in high school and elsewhere in order to try and find that peace, just for the sake of filling this hole in my heart. I knew that no earthly things could fill that hole, but putting myself in faith positions where I had to teach others about the faith and convince them mine was strong enough to be representing it was a bad idea. I look back on it and I don’t regret the opportunities and the faith growth I had during them, but I regret not allowing myself to tell my spiritual counselors or superiors that I felt like I was faking my faith the whole time even if I was trying to use it to make me better. I felt like a liar and that led to a lot of spiritual guilt. 

    I became suicidal in grade 10. Something I barely ever admit and barely ever talk about. I was burdened with my own doubt and anger at the world and simultaneously guilty that I was because I seemed to have a perfect life and I would feel selfish. It seemed easier to just not participate in any of it. When I was able to get counseling in grade 11 it was easier for me to understand that my questions were valid and to not try to shove everything in a bottle but it took a long time. In university through the help of CCO and some very good spiritual mentors, I have been able to grow an even stronger relationship with God.

    It wasn’t until probably around thirteen years old that I really understood what and who God was. However, it probably took until I was seventeen to take it to heart and finally start my healing journey. I was always told to pray to him if I struggled or that he was always there for me but I didn’t really know in the beginning how to properly pray or to separate some of my mental disorders (anxiety, depression) from hearing God’s voice, so I felt abandoned by Him a lot. God of course, never and will never leave me, but at the beginning of my faith journey, I didn’t know what it meant to have a relationship with God. 

    Although I do feel very supported by the Catholic church now, during my hardest months I can’t say it was totally awesome. During the times I was really searching for help my parents and I waited almost a year to find a Catholic counsellor, and then I was on the waiting list for six months. I am currently still on the waiting list for a new one. 

    I wish that it didn't take so long to find a Catholic counsellor. The number of catholic psychologists/counsellors/therapists is really low nowadays. It also felt weird to have to be on the waiting list for so long and continually waiting for a new one. I also wonder that if I had been taught earlier in life how to communicate with God on a personal level, I wouldn’t have had to struggle so much for so many years alone. Even in a Catholic high school, they don’t teach that. Depending on the religion teacher, I’ve heard and known through experience that it can sometimes just be facts and projects in those classes instead of learning what God’s love can do to help people. 

    My experience has made me realize that I can't just expect life to be perfect even having a relationship with God. I was told that sometimes it gets even harder because Satan now sees that God has you instead so he tries his hardest to deceive you even more. It also allowed me to share God's work and love through different Catholic positions and other leadership roles. It is way easier to know what some people are trying to seek in the faith after going through my own experiences of drought and seeking God’s love. I started praying more and finding more time to really figure myself out and also try to bring others to God because I knew that having a relationship with God really helps. What I was able to do in the past and now is pray a lot, and I am able to find spiritual help through many different people.

    A Bible verse that has been super helpful for my anxiety and always worrying about the next day has been “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”